According to Memri TV, a web site that monitors Arab media, there are clouds on the sunny horizon that was supposed to fill with sunshine upon the election of Barack Hussein Obama. Apparently his middle name has attracted the attention of some Muslim militants. One of them, Egyptian Imam Hassan Abu Al-Ashbal has ordered President elect Obama to “return” to Islam or risk deadly consequences to himself and America. His fatuous fatwa reads as follows.
“Let me take this opportunity to address the leader of Europe, and the leader of America, who is the leader of the world, the recently-elected Obama, who is the leader of the Byzantines – he is like the Byzantine leaders in the days of Prophet Muhammad.
My message to him is three-fold. First, I invite him to convert to Islam. This is the call of the Prophet and of Allah. Oh Obama – convert to Islam, and you will be saved. I hope that Allah will reward you twice: Once for converting to Islam, and another reward for all those who will convert in your footsteps. If you want glory – you will find it in Islam. If you want honor – you will find it in Islam. In religions other than Islam there is utter humiliation, even if you are the president of the entire world.
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You, Obama,are among those who have pledged before Allah – Allah who created you, sustained you, and brought you to this position – to be a Muslim who believes that Allah is the one God, especially since you have some kind of roots in Islam. Convert to Islam, and you will be saved. All glory and honor lie in following Allah and His messenger Muhammad. Know that the true religion is the religion of Islam, and all other religions are fabricated religions, which are null and void – religions that were abrogated by the shari’a of Muhammad.”
If you refuse to return to your [Islamic] origins, to the way Allah created you, withdraw your huge armies and military bases from the lands of the Muslims. Know that all your predecessors have ended up in the garbage bin of history, and that America’s black and bleak history in the land of the Muslims and the Arabs constitutes an evil omen for you, your predecessors, and your successors. Know, Obama, that America, with all its size and might, will know no peace, as long as a single Muslim child lacks food, drink, medicine, or housing. If you refuse, Obama, and insist on remaining in Muslim lands, know that Allah still plants in [Muslims] obedience to Him, and they are willing to wait for Paradise, which is closer than their own shoelaces.
Know, Obama, that in the lands of Islam, there are people who seek death, and are eager for it, even more than you and your people are eager for life – any kind of life, even a life of humiliation.
So let’s take a close look at Al Ashbal’s statement.
Al Ashbal!! do you mind if I call you Al for short? Pull up a chair and let’s have a drink. I’ll even get you orange juice while I have a beer. Let me tell you a few things about America. Get me that Almanac off the book shelf. No I don’t have a Koran. My wife doesn’t want me reading about seventy two virgins, and the rest is too violent.
Count all the religions in the religion section of the alamanac. It lists a good few hundred of them. Do you have any idea how many of them say that they are the one true way? How many say that we are all going to hell unless we join their faith? Most of them at least say that theirs is the one true church.
In your little love letter to our President elect you say“all other religions are fabricated religions, which are null and void”.
Guess what Al?? That’s what they all say!!! And you know what? We’ve got families where there are as many religions at the table as there are place settings. We’ve got husbands and wives who go to different churches!! And the wife doesn’t have to worry about her husband stoning her to death for praying the wrong way. She doesn’t even have to ask her susband to unshackle her from the radiator so she can go to her own church. Sometimes the husband even lets her drive there without a related male guardian!!
I’m sorry Al, you look a little pale. Have some orange juice. No no no… That’s my screwdriver. Be careful. Alcohol is legal here. We tried prohibition and all it got us was a hangover from bathtub gin and the Kennedy family.
So if you want to say that you have the only true religion, then take a number!!
Let’s look at your little speech again where you say“If you refuse to return to your [Islamic] origins, to the way Allah created you, withdraw your huge armies and military bases from the lands of the Muslims. Know that all your predecessors have ended up in the garbage bin of history.”
So where are you today? All the Americans are flocking to the universities in Saudi Arabia and Egypt to study medicine and technology right? Oh I’m sorry. It’s the other way around. Arabs are coming to America to study. And it was Americans who saved Saudi Arabia from being Sadaam Hussein’s harem after he invaded Kuwait. Where is that garbage bin of history? Don’t get yourself dirty sitting on it.
Now let’s listen as you tug at our heart strings. Pardon me… There’s a tear in my beer.
Know, Obama, that America, with all its size and might, will know no peace, as long as a single Muslim child lacks food, drink, medicine, or housing.
So Al tell me. Where is all that oil money going? What are y’all spending it on. Are you making the desert bloom like Israel? Oh excuse me please don’t go!! I meant to say the Zionist entity. Don’t get your keffiyeh into a wad now. So are you offering any employment to poor Palestinians aside from per diem work as suicide bombers? Whose fault is it that y’all are spending money on terror attacks instead of schools and sewage treatment plants? We could occupy your country and make you manage yor money right but that would just give you one more thing to bitch about.
You sign off your little speech with the following fighting words.” Know, Obama, that in the lands of Islam, there are people who seek death, and are eager for it, even more than you and your people are eager for life – any kind of life, even a life of humiliation.”
The western attitude is a little different, Al. We don’t want to die for our country. If it comes down to it, we want to make you die for your country. And we’d rather do it from the air conditioned cockpit of a B 52 with Bon Jovi blasting over the stereo than with a suicide bomber.
But if it comes down to it, we like our patchwork of religions. We like being able to work together in an office with people who think the guy in the next cubicle is going to hell. I used to work with a guy who I was convinced was gonna go to burn for eternity. But that was because he borrowed fifty bucks from me and never paid it back. But I forgave him, after I cracked his windshield and let the air out of his tires.
So there are things that I get hot and bothered about, even more than the stiff who borrowed fifty bucks and didn’t pay me back. And that is my freedom. I like to vote, to run my mouth and to pray the way I please. And I get mad as hell as anyone who stands in my way.
I voted against Obama. I campaigned against him. When he lost, I was bent out of shape for two weeks, because I thought he was a disaster on two feet.
Al my friend, you just done did a miracle. You’ve got me sticking up for my President elect, who I still think reminds me of a substitute teacher in a detention hall dodging spitballs.
You told him to change his religion? Are you serious?? What !@#$%^& nerve!! You get the brass cogliones award from Yours Truly. You’ve got Saudi Arabia, where anything but Islam is illegal. You have Egypt where they treat Christians worse than chewing gum on the bottom of your sandal on a hot day. If you want zero religious freedom, then stay where you are.
If you want to convert Americans to your religion, I’ll tell you how to go about it. Build up an Islamic paradise in your own country. Spend your oil wealth on building and not destroying. Try to manage this Sunni Shiite rift you have in Islam so you don’t kill each other. Try grounding your wayward daughters instead of stoning them to death in the back yard. If you are living in Europe, try cutting out the rape of non Muslim women. It makes really bad publicity. It you are a Muslim taxi driver, don’t ask a married woman with a child in tow out to dinner. It makes you look like a pig. (Just a little expression we infidels use). You knock us for promiscuity? What about your “temporary marriages”. We know what that is all about. You can’t fool us.
So I just gave you a few tips for winning over infidels. That should keep you busy for a long time. The one common denominator to alll my suggestions is that they are constructive. The World Trade Center took years to build and hours to destroy. I know that you suffer from a societal version of attention deficit disorder, but try to focus on building and not destroying, even if it’s a wee bit taxing mentally.
I never thought that I would be sticking up for Barack Obama, but stranger things have happened. I don’t like people messing with my freedom, and I don’t want knuckleheads taking over my country. So Al, thanks for stopping by. This war on Islamic terror has dragged on for so long, I was starting to get a bit lackadaisical. You just reminded me about why we are fighting.
I’m looking at you watch me drink my beer as we talk. You remind me of an old joke about Baptists that would work just as well on Muslims.
“Why do you invite two Baptists to go fishing with you instead of one?”
“Because two Baptists won’t drink any of your beer. And one Baptist will drink it all.”
Al, I have some faith in you. You might drink all my beer on a fishing trip. But you might throw me overboard.
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