Thursday, December 4, 2008

Franken Recount: How Crazy Can It Get?

A month has passed since the Senate race between Al Franken and Norm Coleman finished in a dead heat that has sparked a painstaking recount. Franken is willing to swear in a court of law that he is not trying to generate fresh material for a Saturday Night Live skit.

Of course, Franken wants to make sure that every single vote is counted, and that no Minnesotan, living or dead, is disenfranchised. According to The Hill’s Blog,“Democrat Al Franken’s campaign called Thursday for Minnesota officials to engage in a “systematic, forensic search” for 133 ballots missing in a Minneapolis precinct favoring the Democrat.

The Franken campaign made the request while maintaining it has a 10-vote lead over incumbent Sen. Norm Coleman (R) in the recount.

“We are calling upon the Secretary of State, Hennepin County, and the City of Minneapolis to complete an intensive search,” said Franken attorney Marc Elias in a conference call, addressing reports that 133 votes have gone missing in a Minneapolis’s Third Ward. Elias said every person who touched or transported the ballots should be interviewed, and any polling place, vehicles, or warehouses that have held the ballots should be searched.”

Franken’s campaign is taking “sore loser” to lengths seldom seen in American politics. In a show of just how deeply he respects the Minnesota electorate, he is even threatening to put the election on the floor of the US Senate, which will have a Democratic majority deciding the outcome, even if Franken’s mommy is not allowed to vote.

His call for a “forensic” investigation is hard to read without a chuckle. If it is approved, imagine reading the following news brief.

Kurt Windbrecher, president of Franken Association for a Recount Today announced the initiation of a forensic investigation of missing ballots in the Minnesota race for the US Senate.

“Something stinks in this election!” exclaimed Mr. Windbrecher. “We intend to get to the bottom of this and to bring some fresh air into Minnesota politics.”

Teams of bloodhounds were set loose in Minneapolis today, creating panic as they ran through the streets looking for missing ballots. Instances were reported of Christmas shoppers being pinned against walls in the downtown shopping district by ballot sniffing dogs looking for missing ballots.

In one particularly tense standoff, Mrs. Letitia Bumbleby, a retired school teacher from St. Paul was detained by a ballot sniffing dog and his handler Sigmund Heil a Democratic Party activist who attempted to procure a search warrant for Ms. Bumbleby’s person and posessions. The stalemate between Mr. Heil and Ms. Bumbleby lasted approximately four and a half hours, during which time a hostage negotiating team was called in to negotiate a peaceful settlement. The standoff ended to the satisfaction of the dog, who was placated with a salami sandwich that Ms Bumbleby was carrying in her purse. Not satisfied with the results of the voluntary search, Windbrecher and Heil announced their intention to summon Ms. Bumbleby to a grand jury. Other search warrants are being sought by Democratic Party activists in locations throughout Minneapolis.

In related developments scuba divers are dredging out Otter Tail Lake in a search for missing votes. “A lot of Republicans own motor boats.” said Mr. Windbrecher. “It would be very easy to dump some Franken ballots when they are throwing back fish that are below legal size. We just want to keep them honest.”

What has legal experts embroiled in controversy is the teams of polygraph technicians interrogating voters who cast challenged or invalid ballots. Sigmund Heil defended the controversial decision as he stormed through the corridors of a public housing project, pounding on apartment doors and barking questions at fearful occupants within.

” Are you aware that Norm Coleman is a Republican?” demanded Mr. Heil. The Republicans did not support Barack Obama. did you really intend to support the Republican candidate, whose party opposed Barack Obama.?”

Most occupants of the housing project refused to speak to Sigmund Heil or to Mr. Windbrecher. A fight between ballot sniffing dogs and frisky pit bulls owned by project residents cut short the polygraph expedition.

Will Franken Association for a Recount Today change the election results? Will ballot sniffing dogs, scuba divers and police pounding on doors with polygraph kits give Al Franken the margin he needs? Kurt Windbrecher is optimistic. ” I already found one woman who did not intend to vote for Coleman!” exclaimed Windbrecher triumphantly. “She only spoke Quechua and Aymara but she understood me. I promised her that she would not be deported or arrested if she cooperated.”

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