Saturday, January 10, 2009

Magdeburger Joe Security Agency Takes On Bernard Madoff

Lately, there has been a lot of news about Bernard Madoff staying under house arrest in his seven million dollar condo. Amazingly enough, he has been allowed to stay free even after $173 million in checks to family and friends were found in his apartment, and after he sent out one million dollars worth of “family heirlooms” as holiday presents.

According to New York Magazine, Madoff had an obsessive craving for pork sausage, prompting some cynics to note that if Madoff is himself a pig, then he is also a cannibal. There was further disappointment in Jewish circles , where it had been hoped that Madoff would spare the Jewish community further embarrassment by announcing a conversion to Islam.

There has been a great deal of anger about the leniency shown to Madoff and his family, prompting some to wonder if Madoff’s well placed friends are still doing him favors.

Magdeburger Joe’s Security Agency Inc. is keenly aware of the controversy surrounding Madoff’s home supervision. We have extensive experience in supervising pretrial house arrest. We want to help. I am submitting a plan for Madoff to remain free until his case is adjudicated by the courts. It is also a critique of current arrangements. Magdeburger Joe executive director , Ruby ( Red Knuckles) Slamowitz, has extensive experience in pretrial supervision. His well trained staff has extensive experience in law enforcement both as peace officers and as inmates. It is critical in the opinion of Mr. Slamowitz that the perspective and cunning of former detainees enhance the effectiveness of any security team. Here are the recommendations of Ruby Slamowitz.

1) Mr. Madoff has a huge apartment in which he is serving his house arrest. It has been compared in size to an airplane hangar. Right now, only the doors leading to and from the apartment are being monitored. We believe this is totally inadequate. There should be high resolution cameras with sound in every room of the Madoff apartment. This will serve two purposes. One is so that he will not have any opportunities to smuggle communications to outside accomplices still at large. The other is to form the basis for a reality TV program and two cable channels.

The first channel would be Bernard Madoff Live. The other channel would be Madoff After Dark, which would be selected out takes of strip searches and other material deemed suitable for a mature audience. The channels would be interactive, with a call in feature where callers could for $9.95 a minute call to any room in the Madoff apartment, including the bedroom and bathrooms and speak with him over two way loudspeakers as he goes about his daily business.

For an extra $9.95 a minute, you can have control of the light switches , shower temperature and television remote controls in his apartment. Imagine the fun of speaking to the Madoffs as they eat dinner, shower or generally go about their daily business. The tension and confrontation in some of these encounters will undoubtedly make for great television drama. The proceeds would, of course go to help the victims of Bernard Madoff.

2) Anyone leaving or entering the Madoff apartment will be subject to a strip search. This will include a cavity search. Madoff will pay for a male and a female security guard to be on duty at all times so appropriate searches can be conducted. Bubba (The Pitcher) Buttner who has been on the staff of Magdeburger Joe Security Agency for years has extensive experience in administering and circumventing stringent prison security. His able assistant, Bertha (Big Momma) Lardner will be his assistant in the Madoff compound.

3) A security guard will be present in the room with each Madoff family member. His resourcefulness and lack of cooperation have made this necessary to avoid any transfer of resources. This measure applies to all rooms of his quarters, including bathrooms and bedrooms.

4) Computer access must be restricted. Right now, Madoff can go on line and do whatever he wants. To prevent unauthorized financial activity and other illicit communication, all computers will be located in the security office being maintained in the Madoff compound by Magdeburger Joe Security. It is completely baffling why his hard drives and data storage devices have not been searched for evidence. Magdeburger Joe Security will, however do so. Any interesting picture files will be sold to tabloids. The proceeds will pay Madoff’s victims.

5) All members of the Madoff household will surrender all cellular telephones. Cordless telephone systems in the Madoff home will be dismantled. Any telephone call by Madoff will be to individuals on an approved list. The calls will be recorded and broadcast over the Bernard Madoff Live cable channel. Where appropriate, they will be put on the Madoff After Dark channel. Telephone calls by Madoff household members will cost $1.00 a minute, on top of all applicable fees.

6) All pens, pencils, palm pilots or any writing implements as well as writing paper and envelopes in the Madoff compound must be. surrendered to Magdeburger Joe Security. Letters from Madoff family will be dictated to the security officer on duty at a charge of a dollar a word plus a ten dollar fee for mailing each letter. To prevent coded communications, wording of letters may be changed and sentences deleted to thwart coded communications. Where appropriate, mail will be forwarded to law enforcement.

7) All incoming mail will be read by Magdeburger Joe Staff members at a cost of three dollars a page. It will be subject to forwarding to law enforcement officials as deemed necessary by Magdeburger Joe staff members.

8) Accounts will be maintained with take out restaurants in the vicinity of Madoff’s apartment at Madoff’s expense. Meals will be provided to the Madoff family and security employees on a schedule to be decided by security staffers. This is for the purpose of thwarting attempts to communicate with outside accomplices. Also, randomly selected callers to Madoff Live and Madoff After Dark will be invited to join the Madoff family for dinner, along with some homeless individuals. This might be reworked into a talk show format. For those on a tight budget, guided tours of the Madoff apartment will be conducted every Sunday from 8:00 Am to 8:00 PM at a cost of $10.00 per person.

9) There is always the danger of the Madoffs becoming friendly with security staffers. To circumvent this, staffers stationed in the Madoff apartment will be rotated regularly. Additionally, members of the Madoff family will be billed at the same rate charged by his lawyers for any conversation with security staffers. This includes routine greetings.

10) We want to give Mr. Madoff a chance to show contrition by making restitution to victims of his crimes. We will be auctioning off Madoff belongings and memorabilia on various home shopping cable channels as well as E Bay. There will also be bed and breakfast packages in which people may stay in the Madoff apartment and be waited on by the Madoffs as their personal maid and butler. As a gesture of compassion to the Madoffs, tipping will be permitted.

We here at Magdeburger Joe Security believe that freedom is not free. We also believe that Mr. Madoff is better able to pay for his freedom than most people. The proposals outlined by our staff of security experts should only minimally intrude upon Mr. Madoff’s privacy. We would welcome communication from him or his representatives concerning our generous offer of pretrial supervision. When he examines our terms, however, state custody might be preferable.

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