Sunday, February 8, 2009

Judging the Europeans By the Standards Used For Israel: Part One

In the interest of justice and world peace, I am drafting a policy for national minorities that will hold the European Union to the same standards as Israel. I believe that they will jump at the opportunity to show Israel the just and proper way to treat its Arab population and to relate to its neighbours. I am calling this momentous document of foreign policy "The Magdeburger Joe White Paper". I am sure that the EU will be eager to implement it. It is organised on a country by country basis and deals as such with the national minorities in each country.

1) Portugal. Portugal had two large former colonies until the 1970's. Mozambique and Angola were exploited for raw materials and were ruled from Lisbon in a dictatorial manner for decades. Mozambique and Angola made great contributions to the Portugese Economy. They were never adequately compensated. All citizens of Angola and Mozambique are entitled to Portuguese citizenship. They are entitled to monetary compensation and settlement in Portugal with no impediment of quotas. The parliament and civil service should at all times reflect their percentage of the population.
2)Spain Spain is illegally occupying Catalonia and Spain in the north of Spain. Catalonia shall be granted immediate independence with Barcelona as its capitol. The Basque region shall be granted immediate independence with Bilbao as its capitol. Adjacent populations of Basques and Catalonians in France will be permitted to secede from France and join their respective republics in the south. All Spanish and French settlers living in the Basque and Catalonian regions will be entitled to apply for resident alien status. If this is refused, they must leave without compensation. Spain must compensate the Basques and Catalonians for the decades of repression under the Franco dictatorship.
3)France In addition to providing redress to its Catalonian and Basque population, it must grant immediate independence to Corsica. Attitionally, it must grant independence to the Bretons in Brittany. Alsace Lorraine must be put under United Nations supervision with German and French being coequal languages. Since Algeria was a part of France until 1962, all Algerians must be granted the right of return to France. The same rights must be extended to inhabitants of French Morocco.
4) Germany. Bavarian is a separate language from German. Bavaria must be granted full independence. The Sorbians in Eastern Germany as well as the speakers of Plattdeutsch and Friesian must be given immediate independence.
5)Belgium The Flemish people of Belgium must be granted full independence with Antwerp as their capitol. The Congolese people, whose ancestors were so cruelly oppressed by the Belgian monarchy shall be granted the right to return to Belgium with resettlement assistance. The same rights shall apply to all other nations colonised by Belgium.
6) Netherlands Indonesians shall be granted the right of return to the Netherlands.

6) Italy Italy shall grant immediate independence to Piedmont. Piedmontese will be restored as the official language. Sardinia, Sicily and Naples shall likewise be granted full independence.
7) The minorities in Austria whose presence is the result of recent immigration such as Turks and Moroccans shall be granted immediate citizenship. Upon reaching a numerical strength of 50,000, any minority may petition for independence from the country in which they reside.
8) Any minority that achieves a numerical strength of 50,000 shall be permitted the right of secession and national self determination. It does not matter whether their immigration is legal or not. This provision shall be known as the Vienna Statute and shall apply to all member states of the European Union.
9)The United Kingdom The United Kingdom must grant immediate independence to Scotland and Wales. Northern Island must be put under United Nations supervision. All government employees must be bilingual in Urdu and English. If this is not possible, an Urdu homeland must be created. The United Kingdom must make sufficient territorial concessions to make such an entity territorially viable.
10) Greece. The northern province of Theosprotia is actually occupied Albania. Indigenous Albanians were murdered, terrorised, deported and forcibly assimilated. Theosprotia shall be renamed Cameria (its traditional name) and reunited with Albania.

This article is only a brief treatment of the widespread oppression of ethnic minorities in the European Union. In the next installment of the The Magdeburger Joe "White Paper", I intend to deal with the Scandinavian countries.

In keeping with the custom of Socialist groups of declaring a "Day of Solidarity", I am herewith declaring today a "Day of Solidarity With Cameria"

I have seen very exacting standards applied to Israel by the European Union. As a matter of principle I will expect them to abide by these same standards. When angry students march through European capitols protesting oppression, I hope they will demonstrate against injustice at home. My only apology in writing this article is that I have grouped grievous wrongs such as those done to the people of Cameria with far less pressing questions such as that of Bavarian independence. Since Israelis are paying with blood to satisfy Europeans who will never be placated, I intend to be perpetually dissatisfied with the EU. I hope they will reach out and deescalate the "cycle of discontentment." But I'm not expecting it.


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