South Carolina Makes Subversives Register

I promise you I did not make this up. If you live in South Carolina and plan to overthrow the US government, you have to register as a subversive. The Raw Story blog reports on the Subversive Activities Registration Act , which stipulates as follows on the South Carolina Legislature web site.

"Every member of a subversive organization, or an organization subject to foreign control, every foreign agent and every person who advocates, teaches, advises or practices the duty, necessity or propriety of controlling, conducting, seizing or overthrowing the government of the United States, of this State or of any political subdivision thereof by force or violence or other unlawful means, who resides, transacts any business or attempts to influence political action in this State, shall register with the Secretary of State on the forms and at the times prescribed by him."

There is even a five dollar registration fee. If you get pulled over for being an unlicensed radical granola munching commie pinko subversive radical, you can get a $25,000. 00 fine and up to 10 years in the slammer. There is a pdf form on line that you can download for your very own subversive license.

I don't know why, but I have this strange desire to register as a subversive. I want to have one of those little cards so I can cash a check with it, get a new library card with it or pass it around on my lunch break at work. I'll bet it might even be good for discounts on espresso at funky little coffee houses with underground newspapers on the tables and waitresses with multiple piercings.

What I first want to do is start my own radical group so I can infiltrate it and be a paid informer for the FBI. I could sit around eating schwarma sandwiches with my revolutionary cell and get all my expenses paid by my handler. I'll bet it pays a lot better than blogging. Maybe the FBI would even help me create a web site with my own revolutionary writings.

Now what kind of fool who wants to overthrow the government is going to stand in line for six hours down at the South Carolina Subversive Registry? The parking lot will probably be filled up with old Volkswagen buses from the 1960s and Volvos with bumper stickers all over the trunk.

Imagine the loudspeaker announcements.
"Communists please wait in line 7. Pacifists wait in line 8. Nazis wait in line 9. Nazis and Communists please fight out in the parking lot, and don't beat up the pacifists.

Imagine the problems when sectarian strife breaks out in the Subversive Registry. Stalinists and Trotskyists hate each other's guts. They have to wait in separate lines. Then the various radical Muslim splinter groups who are at each other's throats. They would need separate lines for Muslim men and Muslim women so the 72 Virgins For Monogamy Now and Forever wouldn't end up being stoned by the Taliban in the parking lot.

Imagine filling out the form while your line slowly inches forward.

Do you or your organization directly or indirectly advocate, advise, teach or practice the duty or necessity of controlling, seizing or overthrowing the government of the United States, the state of South Carolina or any political division thereof ? (Check Yes or No)


If yes, please outline the fundamental beliefs. If applicable, attach a copy of the bylaws or minutes of meetings from the last year.

Here would be my answers.

"I believe in complete equality, in sharing all property equally. Everyone in the world should split their wealth with me."

"I believe in complete freedom of speech. This includes the freedom to shout through bullhorns loudly in the middle of speeches of people I disagree with."


"Please name all other members of the organization located in South Carolina. If the space on this form is not sufficient, please attach additional pages referring to this section."

Let me try to get this straight. They expect you to hand over the minutes from the molotov cocktail party you attended last year. Then they expect you to rat out all your comrades voluntarily, without even water boarding you or hooking you up to a set of jumper cables.

What about address changes? What if your organisation splits into two factions? Don't you have to fill out a special form for that ? Then there are the name changes. Rodney Miller changes his name to Rodney X. Jill Johnson gets married to Rodney. And as soon as she marries him, she's his X. How do you fill out the paperwork on that? Then Izzy Berkowitz the communist becomes Mustafa Burqawitz , the Muslim radical. It's all so confusing. I really feel sorry for the clerical staff down at the subversive registry. They're probably real stressed out .